Where do your priorities lie?

Labels. They are everywhere. We have a tendency to label things. My son has been no exception. He has been labeled by many different people, including friends and family. I find that completely unacceptable. Yes, my child has ADHD. He can be a lot to handle if you aren’t used to his behavior. But my son is BLESSED. My ADHD child has gifted us with creativity. Our minds have expanded. Our imaginations will never be the same. He is a gift, and he is perfect just the way he is. Sure, I've noticed that he does things differently from other children most of the time. But it brings a smile to my face and I look at it with an air of grace. Other children don’t have the opportunity to be like him. He is young and his life is full of possibilities. His imagination knows no bounds, and his energy is something I wish I could bottle for myself.

People are so blind to the needs of children sometimes. All humans have fundamental needs. Why do we ignore those of the child? Why do adults so often want children to “grow up” so fast? We want them to have self preservation and yet we do nothing to teach them. We just talk at them and expect them to know what it means to “act their age”. A human who has been alive for 9 years shouldn’t be acting like an adult. As adults we have had time to grow and figure out who we are, what we want, and what we need. A child has no concept of this. They know about their physiological needs, but they are completely unaware of how to put their needs for safety, love, esteem, and self-actualization into words. We are supposed to provide these things to them, free of charge. And by that I mean you give them these things with no expectation of receiving them in return.

A child will learn from example. We show them respect. Respect for their time, their feelings, even their bodies. That means no forcing of hugs, kisses, or, oh my goodness, no Santa laps if the child is uncomfortable. By forcing these things you are letting your child know that their discomfort doesn’t mean anything. They have to surrender their consent to you, the adult. What do you think that teaches children? Do you want to raise a child who feels as if their feelings don’t matter and they have to do what adults say, no matter what? How is that going to translate into adulthood? Is your child going to be comfortable saying no to unwanted advances? I can tell you that I am a perfect example of this. As a child I was not allowed to say no. I was to listen to adults “because I said so”. I was not given clear answers to why I had to do things. And as an adult, I have a very hard time saying no. As a teenager and young adult my life was a mess because of this. In my thirties now and I still struggle with this. But I can at least make a difference for my kids and let them know that they have choices and they will always, ALWAYS, have their right to consent.

How do we respect our children's feelings? Well, the most important thing you can do is LISTEN. Children want to be heard, just like we do. They want their chance to speak. Have you ever been around a group of people telling funny stories and you try to get a word in but can’t? It doesn’t necessarily hurt, but it doesn’t feel good either. It makes you want to shut down a little. How about when someone accuses you of something and you know you didn’t do it? If you could just have a chance to talk you could prove to them that it wasn’t you! But they won’t let you talk. How does that make you feel? I can tell you that for me it triggers anger, frustration, a sense of hopelessness even. Sure, in some situations we can look the other way and think “Well they can believe what they want to, I know the truth.” But that isn’t very satisfying. And for a child, who’s brain and problem solving skills are still developing it feels incredibly hopeless. They feel defeated in a way that we adults can’t begin to understand. Their sense of safety becomes at risk. If this person won’t listen to me, how can I trust them to protect me against others who want to do me harm? This person is harming me with their words and their distrust. If you want to have any kind of relationship with your child, you MUST be willing to hear them.

This post has gone from talking about labels to consent and onto working on your relationship with your child by listening. It may seem to be jumping around but it is all very much related. A child should not be labeled as a means to make excuses for said child. They are who they are and who they are should 100% be accepted by you and all those around you. If you have friends or family who don’t understand this, then it is best for the child to keep them apart. Do not put your relationships with others ahead of the relationship with your child. If you can’t speak respectfully about these issues with the adult you are dealing with about this, do you really have a respectful, loving relationship with that person? If they don’t respect a CHILD, do they respect you? And if someone you know forces a hug on your child, is that respect for you? If they don’t listen to your child, do they care what YOU have to say? Be mindful of the way people treat your children. Don’t make excuses for them. It will put a huge hole in your relationship with your child. They need to trust you. Allow them to do that by being someone they CAN trust.