Skies the limit, or is it?

One of the questions I am faced with most often is related to limits and rules. People tend to assume that unschooling means we are living a free for all and my children are basically on their own. While I'll admit the term "free-for-all" is not offensive to me in the slightest there are some basic "limits" or "rules" in place.

For example, the issue of safety is something with a nice hard line drawn around it. In order to set these limits with my children we discuss them honestly while listening to, and respecting, our children's concerns. But let's be honest here, you can't expect a child to WANT to wear their seat belt if their parents aren't willing to do the same. In this scenario you would be forcing and imposing your will upon your child rather than having a respectful agreement about the safety and legality of your seat belt.

"Well what if my child refuses to wear their seat belt?" This is not a simple fix. It takes time and patience. First, it is important to understand WHY your child doesn't want to wear their seat belt. Oftentimes, there is an issue with the comfort. Perhaps your child has some sensory issues and the pressure the belt puts on them is constricting. If you don't understand that discomfort you will only cause your child to lose faith and trust in your ability to understand them and care for them. Children are NEW humans. It takes many years for their brains to develop the ability to reason and problem solve. They don't understand WHY they are in so much discomfort, they just know it doesn't feel good and they need YOUR help to find a solution.

Most safety issues in our family are addressed with discussion. We, as the grown ups, exhibit responsibility for ourselves and others by making well informed choices and discussing them with interested parties. You just have to look for opportunities to inform. Like when I pour myself a cup of coffee in the morning, I may say, "I need to be very careful pouring this hot coffee so I do not burn myself. That would cause me a lot of pain." Be prepared for questions, and take a moment to think of the best response. When a child asks a question regarding safety the answer should never be "because I said so".

How about limits on video games or TV? This is a big issue in a lot of households. I hear "If I let him, he'd play video games all day!" Well, we hope to teach our children self regulation by promoting it and leading by example. There are days when my kids want to play video games all day. Sometimes I can simply say "Who wants to bake with me?" and they are off the games for the rest of the day. Other days they would prefer to have their faces in the TV screen. The key here, in my opinion and experience, is connection. Having an authentic connection with your family and friends will help them to understand that they do not NEED screens in order to fill any void.

Well what about people who have addictive personalities? There are a lot of adults we know that have a hard time reining in their screen time, especially with the internet and phone use. First of all, this is a personal issue that each individual has to acknowledge to themselves. If you know you are having a hard time with an addiction, regardless of what it is, you first have to admit it to yourself. If you feel your child is displaying addictive behavior you must have an open and honest conversation with them. Ask them how it makes them feel to NOT have their screen. Ask them if those are feelings they want to have. Then your support for them comes into play and you can help them overcome those feelings and addictions.

Talk to your children about the dangers of social media. Help them identify dangerous situations or people. And most importantly be active in their interests INCLUDING screen time. As an unschooler I don't just let my kids run amok online. They are aware that there are no limits and that they can use screens whenever they want. But we have a lot of conversations, and I join them often to show interest in what they are doing and learning. And you know what? Even though my kids don't have restrictions for screens, they still come and ask permission or let me know, "Hey mom, I'm going to load up the computer for a bit". Because we are honest in our house. We tell each other things because we WANT to be involved. And that has made our home a very open place full of honesty and interest for each other.

Another way you can handle limits is by limiting what you actually have. For example, we live in the country and only certain kinds of internet are available to us. We have a limit as far as the amount of time we can spend online. So many GB per month. My children have been made aware of this, and we as a family pay close attention to the amount we have used. Because my husband and I work mostly from home we need a certain amount of those GBs to do our work. So everyone has to pitch in in making sure we have what we need so we can continue to work from home and be with our children. The children don't see it as a sacrifice, they see it as us working together as a whole to continue the way of life we enjoy and are used to. The children are also aware that they may, at any time, choose to pay for extra GBs if they would like more access to online. This is a valuable lesson in finance and responsibility.

So yes, I want my children to believe that there are no limits. I want them to know that the only limits they have are the ones they put in place themselves. You may be able to see out of a glass ceiling but you can't go through it. So don't impose those regulations on them, let them be free and they will soar.

Disclaimer: This post is written from my experience and I am fully aware that screen time may be different in each household. You have to find what works for your family as a whole and not worry about comparing that to others.