Raising Opposites

One of the most important things to understand as a parent or caregiver of children is that you cannot force change or control a situation any better than you can control the weather. So let go of those expectations and accept that these children are who they are and they are absolutely perfect that way.

I have two sons. One is 9 and the other is 4. Even at these young ages I can safely say that they are VERY different. Almost opposite from each other in most ways, Michael is sweet and loud and basically a walking/talking sensory overload. Whereas Matthew is a rough and tumble sensory sensitive child who prefers hand gestures over talking most of the time. Sometimes these two butt heads like crazy and I step in to help them understand each other better. Generally I allow my children to try and problem solve on their own but as their parent, their guide, and their friend I do sometimes have a duty to help them through this process. And regardless of my sense of duty, I truly enjoy helping them to understand each other. They both have so much to offer to each other and they will grow through their connections.

In this process of helping them to connect and understand each other I first have to leave my opinions out of it. My sense of right or wrong doesn't matter. It is about them and helping them to figure out the best way to proceed. I also have to let them know that there isn't a right or wrong way to handle the feud, them walking away from it knowing that there is an unconditional bond is what's important. They are allowed to have their feelings. This is where it gets tricky. Empathy isn't something you can talk about and expect children to understand. It is something that has to be present in your daily life. Your home should have a "climate" of empathy. Meaning it is something you practice often yourself with everyone in the household. You have to help children connect to things by connecting your feelings with your behaviors and helping them to do the same. Think about the last time your child threw a tantrum, did you sit and talk to them about how they were feeling? How their feelings directly impacted their behavior and how to talk things out?

In this process of raising two children who are so completely different in the ways they think and handle situations, my greatest challenge has been ME. I get in my own way sometimes. It can be hard to switch from one set of care-giving skills to another at the drop of a hat. I forget that my son, Matthew, many times does not want to talk when he is feeling upset. He needs alone time to cool off and he is capable, even at this young age of giving himself that time. I have to remember that he needs it and not chase after him even though inside i'm crying for him to come back and let me hold him like I have always done for his older brother. Matthew prefers quiet and alone, and Michael prefers me right there, at all times, soothing him and listening to him. This is a struggle for them as well since Michael is always trying to comfort Matthew when all Matthew wants to do is run away and be alone in his teepee.

Right now I am working on helping Michael understand that he needs that comfort more than Matthew does. He thinks he is comforting Matthew but really he is looking to comfort himself THROUGH the perceived act of comforting his brother. This is a difficult thing for him to understand. But with a gentle hand, a guiding and kind nature, he will eventually understand this. I just have to be there as his comfort when he can't get it elsewhere. And as for Matthew, I just have to be there, waiting, until he decides he wants to talk. Sometimes that never comes, he works it out for himself and decides it isn't worth holding onto.

With all this back and forth between these two opposites, I always remember to give myself grace just as much as I give it to them. Let go of the idea that I can "control" the situation. It isn't meant to be controlled. We are meant to guide, not control. Who has time for all that control anyways? I figure if you are "controlling" everything, or at least trying to, how out of control must you feel?

Did I say "control" enough?